| Keep Letting It Fall Apart |
| Written by Cybil | |
| Tuesday, 31 July 2007 | |
Trust! Let Go & Let God! One Day at a Time!It has been my experience that after a bright light experience or Revelation that the darkness (your old thought patterns) gets deeper and more frightening than ever before.
I used to think once rocketed into the 4th dimension: "Oh My God, I've made it! This is it!" Somehow, I expected that blissful opening to keep opening. In short, I thought the illuminating experience would happen once, like any other accomplishment and I'd be done, finished. Not so...
The entire Awakening process is learning to live without judgment and result. The contrast that occurs in your mind between the Light and your regular thought process is a necessary confrontation in your own mind to show you how "off" you've been. Without this confrontation there would be no motivation on your/my part to truly let your/my old thinking go and to recognize the pain I'm really in, rather than projecting it out on my brothers, keeping healing at bay. The temptation is always to stay as you are, just happier, life still on your own terms, without any Real change at the Source of your thinking. When the collapse of your thought system continues to occur AND with increasing frequency, it can be and often is extremely scary, not to mention devastating! This process keeps you on your knees, which is where you need to be and provides the needed discipline required for living LIFE in the fourth dimension or as God Dependant (the 3rd and 12th step). I remember one night when going through a very difficult and painful conversion with regard to the break-up of my marriage; I was lying awake on the pillow writhing in pain and rage. My head was splitting open with a nauseating migraine headache. I was desperate and needed healing. I was caught in my reflection (the storyline of my images and projections of something or someone outside of me, doing something to me that I didn't like, in other words: I was a victim). As I tried practicing my steps and the lessons from A Course in Miracles, which requires my accepting total responsibility for what was happening, my headache worsened. As I let my storyline of attack, betrayal, justified anger and victimization rage on, I felt relief in my headache. WOW!!! Seeing this blew me away, I could see that I WAS CHEMICALLY ADDICTED TO MY RAGE. Holy Mackerel, I had no idea the chemicals my brain/endocrine system was secreting, while my storyline raged on, lessened the pain I was feeling. And when I took responsibility and said: "NO! I'm doing this! I'm causing this. Help me forgive and release my thoughts! I WANT TO SEE THIS DIFFERENTLY!" the contraction in my head got tighter and the pain and nausea got even more intense. 
Finally, I could see in my sincere determination to be healed that I would need to let the pain get worse for a moment, and TRUST my Higher Power that it would get better. I could also see that it was a conscious decision on my part, in my determination to assume Total Responsibility. I would need to stand STILL and WAIT upon the Lord to come and take me Home in my powerlessness and unmanageability of Step 1. I can't do this! I NEED HELP!!! How devastating to find yourself back in this position, especially
after an extraordinary high bright light experience of pure joy and freedom. WOW! What a roller coaster of emotions the awakening process can be and is for every sincere individual opening their heart and mind to a Solution NOT of their own making. Is God really going to find me AGAIN and help me? The self doubt you thought was gone forever comes back in full force and knocks you off your feet once again and you find the tears streaming down your cheeks in your helplessness. Amazing, the fog is finally lifting, and you are starting to SEE clearly what you've really been doing and the shock and disbelief of seeing it makes you feel terrible about the awakening, about yourself, about everything. You want to run away. It's time to remember at this point that running away is all you've ever done and that it never worked because here you are AGAIN seemingly at the same point, just that the players and circumstances have changed.Relief! By standing still with the help of my sponsor in the first step, I truly came to believe that a Power Greater than myself could restore my sanity-Step 2. The addiction here is to "doing." I'm addicted to trying to fix, change, adjust, and manipulate the situation or person(s) in a way that I believe will suit me best. Notice the step says: CAME to believe. The trust necessary to make this leap may not come all at once. O.K.!!!! Allowing, ACCEPTING a Correction (an Undoing) not of my own making is scary initially for the new comer to this process, as well as for the seemingly experienced 12 Stepper or Course Teacher. Why? Because it's always going deeper into your thought system, peeling back another layer of the onion. The larger the investment in the person, relationship, job, whatever, the greater the fear of standing still and doing nothing! Let Go & Let God and One Day at a Time are slogans of the 12-Step Program, but how core and essential is the experience that goes beyond the words of these simple reminders. Jesus reminds us in the Course in Lesson 44: "Your mind is no longer wholly untrained.. you may find that you will encounter strong resistance. The reason is very simple. While you practice in this way, you leave behind everything that you now believe, and all thoughts that you have made up. Properly speaking, this is the release from hell. Yet perceived through the ego's eyes, it is loss of identity and a descent into hell...If you stand aside from the ego by ever so little, you will have no difficulty in recognizing that its opposition and its fears are meaningless." And from lesson 45: "We will not let the beliefs of the world tell us what God would have us do is impossible. Instead, we will try to recognize that only what God would have us do is possible.We will also try to understand that only what God would have us do is what we want to do. And we will try to remember that we cannot fail in doing what He would have us do. There is every reason to feel confident that we will succeed today. It is the will of God." 
Now you've come to Step 3: Made a decision to turn Our Life and Our Will over to the Care of God as we understood Him. Hello! "Yes, I am Here, I've got you!" You will feel this reassurance come in a feeling or a thought and you'll remember you are safe, and God, the invisible strength of His Love, has not forgotten you. Working these 3 Steps in moments of panic and fear will heal you. Finally, God really does come and take the final step and you really do live by Grace when your self will has been undone.Your sanity is being restored! Forgiveness is indeed a gift to yourself! |
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| Last Updated ( Friday, 30 November 2007 ) |