| Love is a Surprise |
| Written by abby | |
| Saturday, 02 February 2008 | |
 So, I was invited to write an article about love. And as with most things my sponsor asks me to
do, my response was “Sure!” and then as I walk away I think, “I don’t have a
clue how I’m going to do THAT.” All I
know is to step in and see what happens.
Actually, that’s how this whole thing started! I remember it exactly….
It was the Friday of Labor Day weekend last September and I
was saying my bedtime prayers. I thanked
God for all the love that had been occurring in my life and I then told Him
that I was now opening myself up for more.
I asked him to take me to the next level. I just wanted to know what love was. What happened from there was a total surprise. I found myself the next day trying to
organize going to an event in another town and imagining who I would be going with. But then the thought crossed my mind that
maybe I didn’t know how it was supposed to be, that I didn’t want to organize
it, and that I would just turn it over.
Then, through no effort of my own, I found myself at the event with some
friends, one of them a guy who I never would have “picked” for myself, and
having a really fun time. You know, one
of those times where everything just flows so easily and you know there must be
a Higher Power, because you could never line it up this well.
It took awhile for any romance to occur between us, which is unusual for me. I usually spot what I want and fall head over heels instantly and then proceed to manipulate events and use my body to get the person I want. My heart skips a beat when they enter the room and after the first date I’m already picturing monogrammed towel sets. That’s my addiction. My program of recovery is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and the more I work it the more I realize that I have no idea what love is. I’ve pieced it together from songs and movies and Barbie dolls and soap operas. I’ve brought what I’ve seen on the outside and put it into my inside and judged every relationship against it. A Course in Miracles says that love gives everything forever. This is the opposite of my addict mind which tries to take all it can, whenever it gets the chance and then leave it by the side of the road when I’m done. This time it started as a friendship, a healing partnership with two people walking the same road and declaring what it was they wanted for themselves. I remember saying I just wanted to be in love and be myself. I’m learning the difference between what I think love is and what love really is. Love is a surprise, not something you plan or organize. Love is free and flowing and ever expanding. I can’t define it. I can’t restrict it. And regardless of the promises I make or the papers I sign, I am always choosing in this moment. I feel like this relationship I’m in now is constantly ending and beginning. It is free to change and I am free to change within it and every time I change, it changes as the direct result of my mind. What I think about myself is played out at close range – too close to be avoided. I try, but it just hurts. If I’m not joining with this person, communicating and connecting, then it simply has no purpose for me. This came to me because my spirit decided it was time for me to learn these lessons. Love isn’t about what I can get, it’s about what I can give. It always starts that way, but then my addict mind starts to take over and work it. Work it for all I can and then leave. And honestly, my hand has been on the doorknob a lot of the time, but for some reason – call it grace – I haven’t walked. Not this time. I’m tired of running away from myself.
In the book A New Pair
of Glasses, Chuck C. says relationships aren’t 50/50, they’re not even
80/20, they’re a thousand to nothin’. |
|
| Last Updated ( Saturday, 02 February 2008 ) |