I keep getting dislodged. Carlos Castaneda talks about an "assemblage point" and he says that a good teacher (a warrior) will constantly dislodge the assemblage point but because we are so rooted in habit that it moves back automatically by itself to the old position.

But he says that if you keep dislodging the assemblage point eventually it will be (and stay) in the new position. You must keep moving it. It keeps moving back. You keep shifting it. It moves back. You shift it. It shifts back. But it's like every time it moves to the "new" spot it makes a groove, until finally the day arrives when it doesn't shift back to the old spot.

It's how it was with me eating meat and drinking alcohol. I kept trying to shift my life (to a place where I was in a world where I was vegetarian and sober) but I always kept going back to eating meat, drinking and smoking cigarettes. I seemed a hopeless case. Until one fine day, the miracle occurred and the cravings were gone.

There was no going back. All my efforts finally paid off. 

Every time I made huge declarations "I'm finished" (with meat, with alcohol), I would feel like such a failure because I always went back - but now it feels like I was trying to shift myself in a new place. I would shift. I would "fail.” I would shift it again (break all my cigarettes in half, douse them in water, bury them in the trash, and pour whole bottles of vodka down the sink). I would stay in that "new world" for a couple days, but then I would crumble and find myself drinking and smoking again. I was completely powerless (for some odd reason, it never occurred to me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous). I thought I could get it on my own, without God’s help. I was constantly declaring "This time it will be different.” But it was never different, except for a few days. But something in me kept trying to shift, kept trying to change.

I wanted to be sober. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be free from that prison house. I kept shifting the point. It was like I didn't have a choice. I was constantly making declarations "I'M NOT DRINKING ANYMORE" and for a few days I'd be a brand new person... but then the assemblage point would shift back and I would find myself in the liquor store again.

But that "world" was just so painful to me, and I would TRY AGAIN to quit drinking. Constantly shifting the assemblage point. And then one day it just dislodged from its old position and I've never gone back to drinking (or smoking or eating meat) since.

I was one of the rare cases that quit drinking without the AA program, HOWEVER (big however) I later realized that I transferred my addictions and insanity over to my relationships and food. I hadn’t actually solved the CORE problem … only the symptoms (alcohol, cigarettes, meat). But since I hadn’t looked at the SOURCE of the problem (separation, a shutting off from others), more symptoms appeared: craziness in my marriage, along with food addiction.

I finally recognized and admitted: “I can't do this by myself. I have an unsolvable problem here.” I finally joined the fellowship of AA, and lo and behold: my sanity was restored. My marriage improved. My food addiction disappeared.

The first step is admitting you are powerless.

It was difficult at first because I hate asking for help. I'm independent and stubborn. I prefer to do it “my way” even though my way fails 100% percent of the time. But the entire premise of A Course in Miracles is to ASK FOR HELP. It's the entire book. ASK FOR HELP. You can't do this by yourself. ASK FOR HELP. I'm always thinking, "Okay I’ll pray about this and ask for a miracle” meanwhile closing myself off human help. I kept all my skeletons hidden in the closet. I didn’t want anyone knowing my marriage was in trouble or that I was eating a box of cookies a day. Definitely prayer works, whether you tell someone or not, but I'm finding there is a whole lot more healing available when you really truly finally ASK FOR HELP TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

Here are the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (Reprinted from the AA Big Book, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.)

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our short comings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Copyright © A.A. World Services, Inc.