I never knew what true forgiveness was until I worked the 12 step program. I thought it had something do to with pardoning others for how crappy they had been. I had no idea that forgiveness rested on the fact that I was the cause of the problem, the seperation from my brother, and that the correction began with me. It’s only through working the steps and practicing my lessons from A Course in Miracles that I actually discovered what was really being offered to me.

Before I started to work the 12 steps I couldn’t possibly forgive. What I thought of you was pretty much “true” in my own mind and had to do with my thorough examination of your “errors” and my superiority over you. It says in Chapter 5 of the “Big Book” called Alcoholics Anonymous, “We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.” Man, do I identify with that statement. My whole past was an inventory of how wrong you were and how justified I was. 

What I found in the 4^th Step was that my memory was so selective of the past I had created for myself that is was nothing sort of a ficticious account to cover up my own blunders. In A Course In Miracles, Jesus talks about this kind of history of an unhealed addicted mind. “The shadow figures are the witnesses you bring with you to demonstrate he did what he did not. Because you bring them, you will hear them. And you who keep them by your own selection do not understand how they came into your mind, and what their purpose is. They represent the evil that you think was done to you. You bring them with you only that you may return evil for evil, hoping that their witness will enable you to think guiltily of another and not harm yourself. They speak so clearly for the separation that no one not obsessed with keeping separation could hear them.”(Chapter 17, sec III)

When I came into the 12 step program I was literally obsessed with keeping the separation, keeping people far away from me, although inside I was dying. The only thoughts in my mind were how wrong you were and how angry I was about that. I thought that my anger at you was holding it off from myself; if you were wrong, I was right, and that meant I was okay somehow. 

My whole life was one huge resentment that I was trying to cover up with anything I could put into my body or a thin, wry smile. In the Big Book, it states, “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.” 

I found out that for me, resentments were poison, and if I didn’t find a way out of my growing insantity I would continue to die in my own mind. Thank God that the 4^th step led me to see I created the grievances in my own mind. When I took an inventory in the 4^th step, I saw where I was “selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid” in regards to every relationship I ever had. I discovered that I was the one who was hurting you, and my whole world turned upside down. Finally the cause for the resentment was in me, and instead of an increase in the feelings of guilt, the whole burden was lifted. 

I came to realize that God can remove the difficulites when they are inside of me. And because they are inside of me I can actually be an honest witness as I feel the anger being lifted from my mind. No longer do I have to suffer with an idea that you are the cause of my problems because I see where the problem started with me. Now you are free and forgiven because I see that you actually never did anything at all. 

The Course states in Lesson 122, “Forgiveness lets the veil be lifted up that hides the face of Christ from those who look with unforgiving eyes upon the world. It lets you recognize the Son of God, and clears your memory of all dead thoughts so that remembrance of your Father can arise across the threshold of your mind.” When I took responsibility I had a fear that I would be punished for all the evil I “commited.” But, in fact, it is quite the opposite, I saw the face of Christ in the brother I thought was my enemy and in that moment I was connected once again with Jesus and God. I no longer had to fear punishment because I revealed myself and found the Christ instead of all the evil I thought was there. 

For me, it is through actively working these steps that helps me to see what is truly being offered in A Course in Miracles. It has been my experience that the past is not a heavy concrete block, never to be removed, but instead a tiny wisp of smoke hiding the face of Christ. All I need do is practice as the tools are offered to me and that tiny cloud gently disapates into a radiant heaven where I find you, Jesus and God all patiently waiting for my return. I now know the value of forgiveness and the incredible release it brings. My only invitation would be to offer you a hand that once grasped a sword aimed at my own heart but now only extends in total compassion the light to you. And the feeling I get from that is more that any resentment could have ever offered me. And for that I am forever and forever grateful.