You are not really afraid of crucifixion, your real terror is of redemption. (Chapter 13, The Guiltless World).

This statement can be hard to comprehend and perhaps seems unlikely to be true.  Why would I be afraid of eternal happiness?  Boundless love, eternal life, joyous freedom… Heaven itself is mine once salvation is accomplished, or, perhaps more appropriately, accepted.

I was totally naïve about the legal system. I really felt deep down in my heart that the judge would take into consideration the recommendations of the psychologist and the children’s guardian ad litem. Both of them recommended that the children live with me. Yet, after a three day trial, and 18 months of litigation, 10 interviews with the children, the judge ruled against it. One man had the power to do whatever he felt like. And my children had to live with the reality that their voices did not matter, that they didn’t have a say in this at all, and that they could never choose where they wanted to live.  

I can’t express the pain I experienced at this seeming injustice. I was shocked, and finally hit a total bottom. I realized that this world is entirely futile. What a joke! I didn’t care about the thousands of dollars it cost, I could only experience the total pain of not being free! Not having what I truly wanted and of being proved wrong! About all of it! I was entirely guilty of the situation. I wanted to kill or be killed. My rage was palpable, my insanity obvious to everyone but me. I could not see that I was the cause of this, I could only feel victimized. The more I talked about it, the worse I felt. Yet I could not keep this inside me, it was too painful. I had to rely on my brothers at Endeavor Academy, my husband, and my savior, Jesus Christ, who saw me through the whole thing.

In the midst of the conflict, I prayed for relief, yet I couldn’t give up wanting to win. I was not free. I was attached to the outcome, to having it my way and I was entirely justified in this. Everyone agreed with me.

After it was over, the children came for the summer, and I realized that here they were, my relationship was not broken and in fact, I hadn’t lost anything. Our love for each other was and is still intact. My older son came into my room one night and told me he’s okay there now, he has friends and he likes his school. I felt his acceptance of the situation. I couldn’t stop crying. I could feel his love for me so strongly. I knew he was right. He had taught me my greatest lesson. That love is not possession. Love only gives. I know that the pain they both went through was also a part of my undoing and I owe them one.

Yet, after they returned to their father in the fall, I found myself still guilty and in pain, and still preoccupied with the situation. I had to be honest, I was not happy. I begged for help and found myself asking for a 12 Step sponsor. I did the 12 steps and learned:

 
1.This is my nightmare, I caused it.

      2. There is no solution to it.

      3. I have to be dependent upon God and have total faith in Him and Him only!

I admitted to my own separate self construct. I was completely self-centered, fearful, viscious and murderous, and justified in all of it. I was totally screwed. And I finally could not stand myself! I was unmanageable. The 12 Steps are truly miraculous. It wasn’t easy to do them. I had to admit how prideful I was, and how angry. I couldn’t hide anything from my sponsor. Even after doing the inventory, which was a big one: I found myself admitting that I didn’t trust God and I was completely amazed at myself. I had given my life to God, yet I couldn’t trust Him? What had I given my life to? A sacrificial God who wanted me only to suffer? It made no sense!

I realized that if this situation were real, If God wanted this for me, I could never trust Him. And I could never forgive it. I could never forgive my ex-husband. And I had no intention of doing so.

I gave up, I surrendered to the program and let God do with me what He wills. I didn’t care what it was. I’d do anything to be free of this pain. 

I did all the steps until Step Nine: Make amends. Wow. I wasn’t going to do that! Never! So, I asked for help here. I let it go. I thought, "Wow, I am freed up, but I can’t do this one. No way! Jesus, you forgive him, I can’t!"

The next thing that happened totally surprised me…an amazing brother at the Academy said something to me about how important it is for boys to be with their father after a certain age – that they need the male to find their own manhood. I didn’t know if it was true, but it sure relieved me of the burden of guilt I had been carrying around with me. I cried for days because finally, I could see the perfection of the situation. Their father hadn’t been a true father to them, until they went to live with him. They needed him! And I had to let them have that time with them, for all of their sakes. It had absolutely nothing to do with me!

Wow, it was all perfect after all! It was a Holy Instant! I became totally happy and free of the guilt! I knew they would be fine, and that I could be happy having them on their vacations. I was shown that I was not guilty. I found myself telling everyone how happy I was that everything had turned out perfectly.  

Then I felt so freed up, that when I took them on vacation, I found myself thanking their father for fighting for them, for being their Dad, and doing a great job! I couldn’t believe I said that to him. He thanked me, and I could feel his relief. I cried so hard, knowing how stupid I had been to keep myself bound. It had taken me such a long time to learn how to forgive, and to see that I was only forgiving myself!
 

The guilt of your self-construct is very real, very intense and very tricky. Whatever experience you need to go through to be free of it, be about it! You’ll never be the same. 

Practicing the daily workbook lessons of the Course In Miracles is speeding you immeasurably on your way and Jesus is with you, right now, holding your hand, showing you how to release your burdens and boundaries altogether, in a moment of conversion, and to experience the freedom and glory of the unity we share with God and with one another.

Now I feel so happy that I can just be myself. I’m on the net with my kids all the time, I see them on vacations and really enjoy them more than ever. I can feel that our relationship is based on total love, not guilt…and that is truly amazing!

I shared the following at a 12 step meeting recently when I told this story:. It’s the section in the Course that states that your little willingness is all that is required. 

“The Holy Instant does not come from your little willingness alone.  It is always the result of your small willingness combined with the unlimited power of God’s Will.” (Chapter 18, The Passing of the Dream.)

I guess my willingness to do the 12 Steps was all that was required, to make the application to the situation at hand.  And it worked perfectly: I am absolved of my conflictual self. Miraculously, of course.

Seek and find His message in the holy instant, where all illusions are forgiven. From there the miracle extends to bless everyone and to resolve all problems, be they perceived as great or small, possible or impossible. There is nothing that will not give place to Him and to His majesty. To join in close relationship with Him is to accept relationships as real, and through their reality to give over all illusions for the reality of your relationship with God. Praise be to your relationship with Him and to no other. The truth lies there and nowhere else. You choose this or nothing. (Chapter 16, The Forgiveness of Illusions).