The Course in Miracles says, “If you are trusting in your own strength, you have every reason to be apprehensive, anxious, and fearful.  What can you predict or control? ....What would give you the ability to be aware of all facets of a problem, and resolve them in such a way that only good can come of it?”

   Well, when you put it THAT way – surrender almost seems logical.  But I still see myself at times dividing up my life into two camps: things I can handle and things I need God’s help with.  It’s funny now that I see it written down.  Why wouldn’t I want God’s help with everything?  I’ve had plenty of instances where what He made happen was much bigger and better than what I had in mind.  Yet somewhere, in the deep, honest places of my soul I feel that maybe it’s just not that easy.  Not for me.
   
   If I look back on my life, I can define the milestones by the overcoming of a struggle.  Success through blood, sweat and tears.  Accomplishment against all odds.  I loved a good David-and-Goliath drama. When I was in college, I was a full-time student and worked full-time.  And I took classes during the summer semester.  And, of course, I had to get all A’s.  I look back at that now and wonder, “What was I thinking?”  That whole experience is a blur of assignments, exams, and lectures with only little glimpses of fun and relaxation.  This is just one example of what I believed.  I thought that life was a challenge to conquer.  The more independent and self-reliant I was, the better.  If I had to ask for help, it was a sign of weakness. My worth was established by what I did and how well I did it – always with the goal to do it better than anyone else.

   I’m coming to realize a few things about all of that.  (1) Its exhausting; (2) its unnecessary.   First, about the exhausting part.  I read something once about a person describing his progression to God-dependency and it really moved me.  I’d like to share it with you.

   At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die.  He was out there sort of like the president.  I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn’t really know Him.

   But, later, when I recognized my Higher Power, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that God was in the back helping me pedal.  I don’t know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has never been the same since, life with my Higher Power, that is.  God makes life exciting!!!  When I had control, I knew the way.  It was rather boring and predictable.  It was the shortest distance between two points.  But, when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places and at breakneck speeds.  It was all I could do to hang on!  Even when it looked like madness, He said “PEDAL!"

   I worried and was anxious and I asked, “Where are you taking me?”  He just laughed, but didn’t answer, and I started to learn and trust.  I forgot my boring life and entered into a new adventure.  And when I’d say, “I’m scared”, He’d lean back and touch my hand.

  He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy.  They gave freely of their gifts to me to take on my journey, our journey, God’s and mine.  And we were off again.

  He said, “Give these gifts away, they’re extra baggage, too much weight.”  So I did, to people we met along the way, and I found that the more I gave away the more I received, and still our burden was light.

   I didn’t trust Him at first, in control of my life.  I thought He’d wreck it.  But God knows bike secrets.  He knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks and fly through scary passages.  And I’m learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places.  Plus, I’m beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face, with my delightful and constant companion, my Higher Power.

   And when I’m sure I can’t do any more, He just smiles and says, “PEDAL!”

   I love that story.  It’s the perfect analogy of my own progression.  A little bit of help from God is not enough for me these days.  Just getting through the day no longer gets me through.  I want it all.  All that a life and will put into the Hands of God offers.

   About the unnecessary part: I was talking with God the other day, like I often do.  I was asking Him what He wanted me to do in a certain situation, like I often do.  And I heard a gentle Voice give the profound answer of, “Nothing.”  Wow.  I couldn’t believe it.  So, I asked again. Then I heard, “It has all been arranged already, perfectly, for you.”  Wow.  I was stunned.  It seemed a bit incredulous.  Yet, it made total sense.  If there was indeed a God, that would be His job, wouldn’t it?

   After all, God’s plan must be pretty fragile if I have the power to screw it up!  Perhaps the situation does not call for me to do right in order for it be right.  Maybe it’s all happening perfectly, divinely, without my control.  And from that place of serenity and certainty, if I am given a word to say or an act to perform I would be able to simply receive the direction and follow the guidance of the One who is in charge.  Wow.

   I was thinking that it’s sort of like baking.  Sometimes I think I’d like to know the recipe, but God tells me to just enjoy the cookies.  Not to wonder where they came from or how many are left – but to absolutely know that the jar will never be empty.  I can depend on it.

   At my job today I was walking into a meeting and I was unsure about what I could say or do to help those who were involved with the concerns they were bringing.  I took a moment outside the office door, closed my eyes, and asked Jesus what I should do.  He answered, “Just let me do all the talking.”  I laughed and thought, “I sure would like to hear what You have to say.”

   It’s amazing what I can hear when I turn down that little voice in my head.  The one that talks all about me and what I think and what’s best for me.  And when I step out of my own judgments and limited ideas and come empty handed into the newness of the present moment, I can actually tune into what other people are feeling and asking for.  I can see their fear and I can offer them the love that shines it away.  In contact with my Higher Power, I have everything to give.  And when I’m not so busy trying to figure out what the right thing is for me to do, I’m available.  I’m a vessel.  He can use me to extend and create.  I am a vehicle for a miracle.   This is my true nature.  And when it happens it is the highest joy.