Spiritual growth is the only thing on my “to-do list”; and both years that I’ve gone, I’ve come out a different person than when I went in.  It’s time and ten bucks well spent, I say.

I really loved the speaker on Saturday night – Margratta.  She was speaking from the exact place that I find myself.  She said many great things, but the best for me was about her marriage.  She was separated for two years (I’ve been separated for one) and spent that time trying to find some other man – someone better, someone else (I looked for one of them, too).  The whole time she was going through it, her sponsor just kept telling her to work her program.  And one day, as she was praying, “God, where’s my man?”  “Where’s my man, God?”  (I’ve done that) she heard God’s answer: her husband.  And she realized that he had been there all along, committed to her, loving her, and she couldn’t receive it (ditto).  I’ve come to see in myself that it’s not the man, it’s me.  It’s not that he isn’t loving enough, understanding enough, generous, kind or supportive – it’s that I don’t see him as these things.  I don’t see truly.  THAT’S where I work my program. 

She talked about how you can’t buy this, you can’t eat this, you can’t sex this; this thing that I’m looking for – it’s IN ME; and I’ve got the steps to turn me around to me.   She also told a story about a woman who was in a lot of emotional and spiritual pain and so she decided to go and be with Mother Teresa.  When she got to her, Mother Teresa asked her how she was and she told her that she was in hell.  Mother Teresa said to her, “God must love you very much, because He’s burning out of you everything that is unlike Him.”  That’s how I’ve been feeling the past few days.  After the round-up I had this feeling of comfort within myself – a completion, like I had never felt before.  It was such a beautiful serenity that replaced the sense of wanting I have always felt.  But lately, I’m feeling a bit uneasy.  I hope that it is what Mother Teresa is speaking about.  I hope it is a shift deep within me and I just keep saying that I’m open to it.  Thy will be done. 

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